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Jul. 2nd, 2012


Oh it has been a while livejournal

I have been cheating with on you with wordpress.


Tom and I did not go to Supercon. Things been have been good.

Yesterday we took our first vacation with no destination. We went to this resort 40 minutes away.

It was like we were all glowy. I feel like he has fallen in love with me all over again in 24 hours.. not that he ever fell out of it.

May. 8th, 2012



I imported all of my livejournal entries to wordpress. Is there a good cross posting software, or web thingie? Otherwise

The Experience Vixi Project 3.0..

Yeah.. maybe I need a new name.

Apr. 29th, 2012



He woke me up before he left.. I smiled and went back to sleep.

I made some dinner.. we had a really, really lovely sunday evening.. I hated waking him up.. sigh :(

Apr. 25th, 2012

oz ruby slippers

It begins

I am going to migrate all my blogger and WP stuff here. Is there a good import? Or should I export from here? I just want everything in one place.

Apr. 24th, 2012


Ok .. I am going to start using this again..

Fucking having like 2 bloggers and a WP account.. I was compartmentalizinghsdhqsakdsaz anyway..

I was in a dream.. it was so good.. he kept pulling me.. both directions.. in my dream and outside of it..

I am in a cloud right now.. a good one.. protects me from the bad lurking.. I am basking in the good.

Dec. 26th, 2011



I <3 or am really sad about everything in my life right now. I am just going to keep looking at the positive.

Mirror effect..

I am happier -> being around me makes Tom happier than when I was paranoid/wary?

It explains cliches..

Important has been redefined in some ways..

he called me beautiful :)

I don't think I have heard him use that word to describe many things.

I've heard pretty.. I remember specific moments.. When we were @Jellyrolls, when I have walked out of the house

He is my awesome man, who still has little boy giddiness.

I have gained almost 15 lbs since getting back together.. happier.. but quitting smoking. :/

I am glad to quit smoking, but I hate the weight.. I am happy though.

Isn't happy a choice?

Are you a lyrics person or a music person when it comes to a song.. You can have both.. music being tangible? lyrics being who you are.. the spirit..

What makes comedians funny is pop ref.. == everyone has the same lore and language .. commonality makes people more likable sometimes

Nov. 18th, 2011


You had me at "Pet Shop Boys"

The night was silly fun, and I was all a-glowin' with happiness. You went up to sing a surprise song.. When you were singing that song.. and giving me those eyes.. My knees went weak.

I love falling asleep next to you.

Nov. 11th, 2011


I love you

I love you. I love how I feel around you. When you smile at me, I feel this warm glow. When you think my jokes are funny, I get giddy. When you hold my hand.. even just for a second.. I feel cozy.

Your eyes can flash and sparkle, sometimes they are dark and stormy.

Such long arms wrap around me and make me feel safe.. when you lean into the hug.. it's like I am being sheltered.

My legs look silly and tiny next to yours.

I never stopped. I tried.. but I couldn't.

I don't want to.

Nov. 9th, 2011


(no subject)

I never got over you. I tried, but it wasn't happening. I wished for some Eternal Sunshine.. It hurt to miss you.

When you told me about leaving me something on my doorstep.. I felt high! You actually were thinking about me, when I was wondering if you ever thought about me anymore.

I meant it when I said I was sorry.. I'm sorry that I felt like life was making me choose..

We sat at the park and looked at the water. That moment I felt so close.. naked.. and comfortable.

I am happy with you when we play cards, drive around and laugh, partying, or just having a low key night. Really it is who I am with, more than what we are doing. Some reason I feel like things are just a lot more comfortable this time. We have some wisdom now..


Oct. 21st, 2011


"Funny, but it always seems I wind up here with you"

Invite to a party... leading to a conversation .. my world has turned into the happy ending of a chick flick..

You never see how it winds up though..

Oct. 19th, 2011


Wise Words from a T-Rex named Chandler or a Llama named Roy

it is okay to stop loving people who are fucking assholes
you need to learn this lesson

we often retreat into known quantities when faced with adversity
it gives us stability
it doesnt mean it is a good idea
but we are only human

and from him you have received?
a moment of rock solid stablility?

This coming from the person that gave me one of the wisest and very true statement.. "Beware of men who call in the middle of the night. They have demons, and you might be one of them.

Aug. 25th, 2011


We made plans for October in July.. we always made mistakes like that

I literally would make myself sick.. nausea.. waiting for you to come over. I was always scared you'd find something else.. someone. Yeah, I wrecked the car this time.

You make the colors bright.. but almost so bright I feel scared and sick.

Aug. 9th, 2011


and that was that


Aug. 5th, 2011


I've been trying to stop loving you for 10 months..

For 10 months, I have been trying to get over you. I never moved on, I just had to face the fact that I was basically dead to you. I never stopped loving you. You now know how I packed up everything that had to do with you or I.. how I avoided anything that reminded me of you.

This past week has been Hell. I never knew life could actually pull one in so many different directions at once. Before you called me, life was still Hell.. it was just easier to act like a robot. There were no happy feelings at all. There was no laughing.

When we talk and laugh, it comes from this place deep in me I didn't know existed. Like a geyser opened up in my soul.. Our witty, dumb banter makes me smile. I feel like we have fallen to a place I didn't know where we could go. You have been amazing.. You joked on my poor taste in men (then replied with a smart ass remark!). You have showed me a level of kindness and caring .. I can't put it into words.

You are able to be so sensitive.. but still be you. Taunting me with birthday presents over a month before my birthday. Grrr!

Have we changed as people in a long tedious.. but a fairly short (in perspective) amount of time? I have no clue.

I've typed so many sad things in here.. I was so sure we were so toxic for one another.. I will always make you cookies and steak for breakfast, as long as I am graced with you in my life.

Aug. 4th, 2011


In the midst of this hellstorm of emotions.. a ray of sun

In all the roller coasterness that is my life right now, where nothing in my life is certain.. I had a cute sunny moment.

Curled up on the couch, with my legs tucked by someone who cares snoring softly.. and my head by my snoring pug.. somewhere in that moment I think I found bliss.

Jun. 18th, 2011


Father's Day

I feel hypocritical to write about Father's Day. My father and I were never exactly close, and whenever we tried to work on that.. things got in the way. Miscommunication, other people, death.. so to lament now.. I just can't do it.

I can say that I have the most amazing grandfather of all time. I don't think I let him know that I know that. Our relationship has been very different since my grandmother passed. She was the link -- she linked us all together. Even to my extended family, she was the link.

She was born on June 24th. This weekend is in the memory and spirit of my grandparents at their happiest and healthiest. Really, I don't know two human beings I could even hope to strive to be like. I don't normally get this sentimental about family.. but as my family is now my grandfather and my mother. I realize that this time is fleeting.

I miss my grandmother so much.. words couldn't begin to grasp. My grandfather understand that I love him, and while we can talk politics and history.. things just aren't the same without her.

As a family, we've started to have these chips and cracks. Holidays and traditions have fallen by the wayside.. and of course it's now that I miss them so much.

I love you, Nana and Papa.

Jun. 9th, 2011


I am happy to agree with you disagreeing with me ... (typed in stream of conscious, no backspacing!)

I hate confrontation.. really any negative emotions clashing.. be it involving me, or being around me. My friend Ingrid who wrote a book on personality types used to call me "The Peacemaker" aka type 9.

It is so uncomfortable that people don't have to disown responsibility for their actions around me. I will make the excuses for them. It's something that I have just started to "own". (I will get into my rant on the use of quotes in statements like that later.) Without deleting what I just typed, I realized that the word "own" has appeared in three times in three lines..

Before I decided to "stop, look and listen" at what I was doing and where I was in life, someone pointed out that I didn't hold people accountable for their actions. It wasn't the first time it was somewhat implied to me, it was just the first time someone said it in plain, straight forward words. I wish it were because I just couldn't fathom anyone causing harm to someone, even at the point where it an inconvenience. ... Well it has to do with me wanting to hold on to that fantasy. Sometimes we do things though, that hurt other people. Our lack of action can cause awful things to happen. Negligence cannot be overlooked. I was like an enabler of people who were negligent of the feelings of others. I never stopped and asked people to "man up".

So great, I recognize how I avoid conflict. I see some of the ways I disown my own statements by hoping/allowing/going along with the idea that I am just a dumb girl. I don't find the term belittling, but it's less "confrontational". I mean.. damnit.. even when I knew how to fix something or directions to someplace.. I would "suggest" the answer. Tom used to call me out on that, "Just say Tom, your a fucking moron.. this is how you do it." I am someone who backed away from their own basic statements/opinions, fear of being mocked, or yelled at, or having someone angry with me.

I don't agree with the statement, "You make me emotionally abusive." I don't know if that person really feels/felt that way. Maybe he did, I can see how one could come to that conclusion.. ... see my natural thought pattern. The way I "should" feel is, "Fuck you, your own selfishness and ambivalence does not excuse your repeated emotional tirades." What he expressed was that he felt I forced his hand to be painfully and obviously cruel. I wish I could just say he was completely insane, but ... fuck

Seeing the words for the first time (now!) in black and white is weird.. I have a weird distance from that phrase. It was pivotal for me. It was when I realized that things were just going to be that bad if we stayed around together.. that "it could be worse" was already happening. One doesn't have to be dead or physically wounded to be considered "worse". It also made me realize my own culpability in situations like that. While he was different, it was phases of different relationships I have had with others in my head. My Tammy Wynette (sp?) impression of standing by my man was a non-verbal stamp of approval. Unlike the years before, I now.. at this time (well, it started in March) take responsibility for allowing it to become "ok".

My parents divorced involved my mother calling certain behavior unacceptable. He was also angry she was going back to school, as she was already (in his words) "smarter" than him. My version of what made a marriage (relationship) last was purely fictional, and mostly from fiction. If you don't make waves.. he won't leave.

When I was in eighth grade, Scott Dolan walked up to me after an economics class and straight out told me that guys don't like dumb girls. He was the "cute, cool guy". He was also held back a year. I just looked at him like a deer in headlights, and he repeated it. "You compete for test grades with (Tom McKiernan), but you play stupid whenever they ask you a question." He was right. I molded myself into what I thought boys liked. Cheerleader/red lipstick/hair flipping/giggling/gum snapping/etc .. what 12 year old girls thought men (guys she admired and saw out of reach.. oi the psychoanalysis that could go into that statement - 12 and thinking of what men vs boys want.. shiver)

Thanks YM, Teen, and Seventeen magazine! I am old enough that smart, sexy librarian types (aka Lisa Loeb) were idolized. The idea that smart girls aren't attractive, and girls who are occasionally smarter than a guy.. oi.. that made for a life of future spinsterhood. If I knew when the Magna Carta was signed, I better start getting over my cat allergy. An interesting note, Scott is not on Facebook, his brother is. I repeated the story in much less detail, and asked him to pass on to his brother and if he would be kind enough to let him know that a few words to me inbetween sixth and seventh period had SUCH an impact.

So that's all great.. yay stuff expressed.. what the hell am I going to do with it?

(Remember, no backspacing! Backspacing is just another way of editing! Oddly this line was added with the edit link)


It's my fault.. Whenever I feel like I might be stepping on someone's toes.. or I just want a debate/discussion to end.. I chalk whatever I said into "but that's just girlie rambling" (glittery pink hello kitty omg hihi i like shiny things"

It's the easy way out. It's the way of avoiding conflict, therefore I should not feel demeaned when someone else refers to my stand point as shiny pink fluffy unicorns.

End Of Vent!@#



"!@#!@#!@" at the end of statement takes away some credibility, therefore responsibility.



Edit: I have always thought of myself as the dumbest person in the room. I think there is a percentage where that might be true, but it keeps me from declaring anything too stupid (unless it has to do with boys or I am drunk). The people who I trust and TRY to surround myself with are usually better read, and seem to have a higher level of comprehension of certain texts. Basically.. I know I am not in the top percentile (by choice) usually, and I try to be careful when I say/type anything that is declarative.

Jun. 2nd, 2011


Once Upon a Time - Part I

A long, long time ago there was a girl named Trixie. Trixie thought she was well experienced when it came to life. She had resigned to the fact that she had just become to cold and jaded in the ways of romantic love. She was ok with that.

One evening Trixie was drawing vodka from a top shelf. As she was nursing her beverage, she heard a faint call across the room. She put her drink down and looked in every direction, but could not find where this siren's call was coming from. Trixie decided to inspect the area, and oh my.. there was a man. He called out to her with a voice as smooth as a good scotch. She was shocked, as she thought sirens were only female. He beckoned for her to sit next to him. A cocky half smile, half boyish grin..and Trixie was starting to fall under the spell. His eyes were like two azure blue pools. Trixie decided that she would finish her drink and go home. She had heard of tales like this before, and this was not for her. As she went to leave, he asked if could send her a message. With a slight roll of her eyes, she told him a way she could be summoned.

A few days later and Trixie heard from this rogue a few times. He was always beckoning in the sweetest way. Maybe she misjudged this man? He took her out and crooned sweet ballads to her in public. He literally twirled her around and swept her off her feet.

As weeks went on, Trixie and this rogue we shall call Ignatio seemed to swirl and spiral more and more into each other. She realized she was starting to forget where she began and he ended. They decided to go on a journey together. Even with a broken carriage wheel, they were blissful. On the journey back, a fortune teller told them that "An unexpected relationship would become permanent." They knew the fortune was true.

They decided they should go and explore more far away lands together, islands even. Trixie's celebration of birth was about to start, and Ignatio decided that he wanted to take her to these fabled islands, as they were full of adventure! Once they arrived at the first island by boat, he took her around to marvel at all the sights! There were hills and drops, one adventure after another. She plucked an oyster from the water and opened it. Inside sat a beautiful pearl. Ignatio decided to have it made into a ring. A present and a reminder of this journey.

That evening they went a place for dinner, where the food was cotton candy colored and light as air. The water in the ponds seemed to flow over into infinity. The night was blissful.

Coming up next - Ignatio throws the ring into the dark, unknown in a fit of rage.. and that was the first crack in the shimmering crystal.

May. 30th, 2011


I wish I was a blackout drunk..

So.. 2 Thanksgivings ago I was in Key West. We had again gone from the couldn't miss you anymore, to barely speaking. Whatever.. it was done.

I don't know how it happened.. stupid eye contact.. trying to prove something on my part.. ugh.. "Hey Victoria, don't touch the fire.. it is hot." Oww..

Then to be at that house.. it was a bit more than "sobering".

I hate facebook sometimes.

May. 25th, 2011



Ok.. having the 28 day cycle only 4 times a year is awesome. It means I am only a hormonal lunatic 4 times a year instead of 12. It is worth the $94 every 3 weeks. Sometimes I wonder, because that is about $1,600 a YEAR. Yes folks, I spend about 2 grand (if you count the doctor visit) on birth control pills to avoid "that time of the month". As someone who really despises that part of being a woman.. it is worth it. I can get it on more often, don't need to carry awkward things in my purse, and well it's just freaking gross. Yeah.. I trid to post this hours ago..

May. 24th, 2011


(no subject)

I just watched "Pollock".. I get the whole genius thing.. and I think I have touched on this subject before (years and years ago). How much leeway do you give someone who is obviously hurting/brilliant? I have used that excuse before, of why I stayed in abusive/unhealthy relationships.

Being besties with Sylvia Plath was probably a pain in the neck. Do you really want to be the person she is constantly talking about Ted Hughes to? Gauguin "de-friended" Van Gogh for being so needy :P

I was on a really hyper idea fueled fix when I wrote this.. and now I am just kind of zapped. I am going through my quarterly hormonal insane time right now. It can be excellent, because when I get inspired, I tend to take off like a rocket. When I halt, or get slightly tripped up.. it's so tiring. I imagine this is what being truly bi-polar is like. In the way being a teenager is a brief stint into being a sociopath.

Part Deux in a friends-only post.. because.. well I have 3 more weeks until I am free.. for REALZ YO :)

May. 21st, 2011



"I am so happy I don't feel totally complete.. I never ever believed that I need somebody to 'complete me'.. but I need you to complete 'us'. Does that make sense?"

I struggle with semantics .. words.. expression.. hence my normal lack of brevity.. but sometimes the perfect word I was looking for just fall out of my mouth/hands.
Tags: , ,

May. 19th, 2011


And this is the part..

Where I would talk some sense into myself.. I would normally figure I would sink with my own failing emotions..

Why don't I feel this way now? Why am I doubting it? Why am I not doubting it?


I feel like a complete freak.. in a good way.

I have feelings of hope.


This is so much harder than it was before.. My best possible teary ending that starts something actually happened.. Now I am in this limbo of wanting to be helpful.. to make things better and brighter.. and I just feel stuck. It doesn't matter how many cookies I bake.

All I can do is play video games and watch stuff on Netflix/Hulu..

My mind.. well when it is racing.. it is racing in these (what I consider insane) directions.. maybe not insane.. but not familiar to me. Say the phrase "color palettes" to me, and I think of more than make-up right now!

Serious.. jhsdhpddas;HDWUHCDDW

If I could roll time back one week.. but I don't have the superpower of the ability to control time.. just how I perceive it.

May. 4th, 2011



I am really excited, but scared at the same time. Well maybe it is more nervous.. things I decide to do are either usually really good ideas.. or they are REALLY bad ones.

I have been complaining about being back in Florida..


YES.. that is how I feel :P

It is Wednesday.. we're talking this weekend.. Friday or Saturday.. I really can't fathom that right now.. I am trying to wrap my mind around it. I used to fly on a moment's notice. No stopovers.. less than 2 hours in the air. Then *poof*!

Brain cannot process as real.. DATA ERROR

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