The musings of Victoria Palmer.

I imported all of my livejournal entries to wordpress. Is there a good cross posting software, or web thingie? Otherwise

The Experience Vixi Project 3.0..

Yeah.. maybe I need a new name.

He woke me up before he left.. I smiled and went back to sleep.

I made some dinner.. we had a really, really lovely sunday evening.. I hated waking him up.. sigh :(

I am going to migrate all my blogger and WP stuff here. Is there a good import? Or should I export from here? I just want everything in one place.

Fucking having like 2 bloggers and a WP account.. I was compartmentalizinghsdhqsakdsaz anyway..

I was in a dream.. it was so good.. he kept pulling me.. both directions.. in my dream and outside of it..

I am in a cloud right now.. a good one.. protects me from the bad lurking.. I am basking in the good.

Invite to a party... leading to a conversation .. my world has turned into the happy ending of a chick flick..

You never see how it winds up though..

it is okay to stop loving people who are fucking assholes
you need to learn this lesson

we often retreat into known quantities when faced with adversity
it gives us stability
it doesnt mean it is a good idea
but we are only human

and from him you have received?
a moment of rock solid stablility?
followed by FUCKING ASSHOLE

This coming from the person that gave me one of the wisest and very true statement.. "Beware of men who call in the middle of the night. They have demons, and you might be one of them.

I literally would make myself sick.. nausea.. waiting for you to come over. I was always scared you'd find something else.. someone. Yeah, I wrecked the car this time.

You make the colors bright.. but almost so bright I feel scared and sick.

.

For 10 months, I have been trying to get over you. I never moved on, I just had to face the fact that I was basically dead to you. I never stopped loving you. You now know how I packed up everything that had to do with you or I.. how I avoided anything that reminded me of you.

This past week has been Hell. I never knew life could actually pull one in so many different directions at once. Before you called me, life was still Hell.. it was just easier to act like a robot. There were no happy feelings at all. There was no laughing.

When we talk and laugh, it comes from this place deep in me I didn't know existed. Like a geyser opened up in my soul.. Our witty, dumb banter makes me smile. I feel like we have fallen to a place I didn't know where we could go. You have been amazing.. You joked on my poor taste in men (then replied with a smart ass remark!). You have showed me a level of kindness and caring .. I can't put it into words.

You are able to be so sensitive.. but still be you. Taunting me with birthday presents over a month before my birthday. Grrr!

Have we changed as people in a long tedious.. but a fairly short (in perspective) amount of time? I have no clue.

I've typed so many sad things in here.. I was so sure we were so toxic for one another.. I will always make you cookies and steak for breakfast, as long as I am graced with you in my life.

In all the roller coasterness that is my life right now, where nothing in my life is certain.. I had a cute sunny moment.

Curled up on the couch, with my legs tucked by someone who cares snoring softly.. and my head by my snoring pug.. somewhere in that moment I think I found bliss.

I feel hypocritical to write about Father's Day. My father and I were never exactly close, and whenever we tried to work on that.. things got in the way. Miscommunication, other people, death.. so to lament now.. I just can't do it.

I can say that I have the most amazing grandfather of all time. I don't think I let him know that I know that. Our relationship has been very different since my grandmother passed. She was the link -- she linked us all together. Even to my extended family, she was the link.

She was born on June 24th. This weekend is in the memory and spirit of my grandparents at their happiest and healthiest. Really, I don't know two human beings I could even hope to strive to be like. I don't normally get this sentimental about family.. but as my family is now my grandfather and my mother. I realize that this time is fleeting.

I miss my grandmother so much.. words couldn't begin to grasp. My grandfather understand that I love him, and while we can talk politics and history.. things just aren't the same without her.

As a family, we've started to have these chips and cracks. Holidays and traditions have fallen by the wayside.. and of course it's now that I miss them so much.

I love you, Nana and Papa.

I just watched "Pollock".. I get the whole genius thing.. and I think I have touched on this subject before (years and years ago). How much leeway do you give someone who is obviously hurting/brilliant? I have used that excuse before, of why I stayed in abusive/unhealthy relationships.

Being besties with Sylvia Plath was probably a pain in the neck. Do you really want to be the person she is constantly talking about Ted Hughes to? Gauguin "de-friended" Van Gogh for being so needy :P



I was on a really hyper idea fueled fix when I wrote this.. and now I am just kind of zapped. I am going through my quarterly hormonal insane time right now. It can be excellent, because when I get inspired, I tend to take off like a rocket. When I halt, or get slightly tripped up.. it's so tiring. I imagine this is what being truly bi-polar is like. In the way being a teenager is a brief stint into being a sociopath.

Part Deux in a friends-only post.. because.. well I have 3 more weeks until I am free.. for REALZ YO :)

Tags: depression, hormones, m, mania, old ideas

Someone wrote this about me when I was sixteen.. how much holds true now?

"You are....a young woman who feels older than she needs to, who is really
in desperate need of acceptance, who has great passion for everything
that's important to her, but doesn' want to be shunted by people who are
important to her, so she often downplays things she believes would get her
"the wrong kind of attention" that she avoids so desperately. You care a
LOT about what other people think, though you'd often deny that. You
under-estimat e yourself often, and over-estimate others, but not quite as
often. You're rather cynical (!), but at the same time, almost naively
trusting."

Oh Livejournal Land.. you are filled (all five of you who still use your journal) with people who have known me for 10+ years.. you get my depression driven month or so long runs with being completely anti-social. It's so fucking hard to explain to people how it isn't personal. Yes, even when sad.. I can be perky and smiley.. it's different than actual depression. No one has that kind of energy to be perky 24/7/.

fuckers.

I always do one of these.. Ugh

January - New Year's Day would probably be a good example for the year.. partly nauseated.. elated/drunk/foolish/angry/self-depricating/blindingly in love/blindingly killing who I am

February - I was in denial of so much. I had a very nice Valentine's Day.

March - Yeah.. mostly like January, except my antics had a west coast twist on them.

April - Around tax day .. you knocked on the door.. I didn't answer.. you knocked again.. I let you in

May - I was in bliss. I probably took the sweetest vacation ever.. and not in the "way fucking sweet" way.. more like the "Isn't life grand" kind of way.

June - I was called to the west coast on less than 12 hrs. I could say that is what started the cracks.. We played house when I got back.. making breakfast and being all cute.

July - Except for the white trash theater that was played out on 4th of July.. I was fairly happy.

August - Is this where I started to crack? It is when you trashed the we.

September - Birthday Time, Fucked up medical problem time, Losing my best friend time.. Fuck You, September

October - I was bitter and spiteful. I loved Halloween though!

November - This was spent mainly in Europe. (I still have to trip review for that) When I wasn't in Europe, I was preparing for it.

December - I spent a lot of time sleeping. Looking back on this year.. This might be my least happy "Year In Review" yet.. :/





August - I really spent a lot of time trying to be happy

I had a much better time when I took my trip to Europe last time. I am having a really good time.. but last time was amazing. Now I have to preface that with the fact that my last trip was my reaction to finding out my father was dead 6 months after he actually died. It was a knee/jerk reaction.

I had cooler friends also.. while traveling.

There are some people I miss so much.. but I know I don't want to actually go home. I will have to, but I do not want to. The holiday season is going to kill my heart.. what's left of it. Broken and damaged.. broken and damaged..

Maybe it's the broken and damagedness that has changed me.. and that's why I am not having as much fun. Don't get me wrong.. I am having fun. It is pretty damn cool! I don't

Day 1 - Insane travel.. At least I bought some cool stuff tax free!

Day 2 - Amazing weather, and unwinding

Day 3- Seriously.. it is hard to cross some streets in Bulgaria.. I jay walk in NYC all the time, and I don't think twice. I couldn't cross the street. After some shopping and stuff .. I spent the afternoon in 70 degree weather in the shade in a hammock. Dinner was fun, I was feeling pretty awesome.

Day 4 - I climbed up a "mini Grand Canyon". I took some amazing photos of some interesting monuments. On cloud 9.. then someone had to have a serious conversation. I will shake it off, but it did change my mood.. a LOT. I am just going to smile it off.. when I want to kick someone in the face that I will have to deal with until Munich. I am excited about going to Belgrade tomorrow. I totally understand why a lot of countries aren't on the euro yet, even though they are EU.. but it makes purchasing things kind of a bitch.

The heat drives me insane. It makes me irrationable and bitchy. 105 degree heat index.. for a month or so!



"Independence is still importent for us now
I realize it's easy to make the stupid mistake of letting go
My weaknesses you know each and every one
It frightens me

. . .

It's a question of lust, it's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting what we built up crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more that keep us together

Kiss me goodbye when i'm on my own,
but you know that I'd rather be home"

- Depeche Mode, "A Question of Lust"


I posted that about 10 years ago.. and it still rings true.

Actually gave me a chill.

The heat drives me insane. It makes me irrationable and bitchy. 105 degree heat index.. for a month or so!

I have a feeling that tomorrow is either going to be awesome.. or "teh suck".

The same thing goes about this weekend!

I think I am going to start writing here again.. the blurbs.. the long stuff.. a word scrapbook.

I almost edited my (friends only) happy post. I was intoxicated.. had a few drinks.. but it was the happy that had me so swirly.

I am scared to write here.. sometimes I feel like I am jinxing myself.. when I am happy.. .. I am trying to share. I used to be very open.. but ther are 3 people in my life that have caused me to close up what I have online. If you'd like to see ANYTHING of substance.. please email me.. and we can friend each other. If you want to see some 'real' substance writing of mine.. look at posts from 1999 - 2002?

There are some moments in life that I just want to freeze. That feeling, that time, the smell, everything.. Sometimes we take these moments for granted, and wind up looking back on them as these delicate treasures from the past.

I was lucky.. lucky enough to have a "moment" (sorry for the Kelly Clarkson reference) like this.. days like this.. where that feeling.. moment.. circumstaces.. whatever.. happened again. It was so much bigger, because now I know what it is like to be with out it..

I'd rather live my life than never feel anything.

Someone remind me I said that next time I curse the ability to feel.

I am particularly happier than I was when I had my 30th birthday. The one thing making it suck, was not seeing J.

Off to Orlando tomorrow. I have never been to Universal IOA, so we are going out there!

I now fit into clothing from high school. I am at my lowest weight, since I had my eating disorder. I actually eat every day though!

Maybe my metabolism has balanced out after I messed with it for years.

I didn't diet.. 50 lbs in 11 months.. You know if I did diet, I wouldn't have lost 1/2 as much.

I'd like to lose another 15.. if I don't I won't cry.

Yayzors fo me.

Should be perfect.. but I just cried for 2 hours

I think I need a break from my g1, as I have become an obsessive txt person. I also watch too much youtube.