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I am happy to agree with you disagreeing with me ... (typed in stream of conscious, no backspacing!)

I hate confrontation.. really any negative emotions clashing.. be it involving me, or being around me. My friend Ingrid who wrote a book on personality types used to call me "The Peacemaker" aka type 9.

It is so uncomfortable that people don't have to disown responsibility for their actions around me. I will make the excuses for them. It's something that I have just started to "own". (I will get into my rant on the use of quotes in statements like that later.) Without deleting what I just typed, I realized that the word "own" has appeared in three times in three lines..

Before I decided to "stop, look and listen" at what I was doing and where I was in life, someone pointed out that I didn't hold people accountable for their actions. It wasn't the first time it was somewhat implied to me, it was just the first time someone said it in plain, straight forward words. I wish it were because I just couldn't fathom anyone causing harm to someone, even at the point where it an inconvenience. ... Well it has to do with me wanting to hold on to that fantasy. Sometimes we do things though, that hurt other people. Our lack of action can cause awful things to happen. Negligence cannot be overlooked. I was like an enabler of people who were negligent of the feelings of others. I never stopped and asked people to "man up".

So great, I recognize how I avoid conflict. I see some of the ways I disown my own statements by hoping/allowing/going along with the idea that I am just a dumb girl. I don't find the term belittling, but it's less "confrontational". I mean.. damnit.. even when I knew how to fix something or directions to someplace.. I would "suggest" the answer. Tom used to call me out on that, "Just say Tom, your a fucking moron.. this is how you do it." I am someone who backed away from their own basic statements/opinions, fear of being mocked, or yelled at, or having someone angry with me.

I don't agree with the statement, "You make me emotionally abusive." I don't know if that person really feels/felt that way. Maybe he did, I can see how one could come to that conclusion.. ... see my natural thought pattern. The way I "should" feel is, "Fuck you, your own selfishness and ambivalence does not excuse your repeated emotional tirades." What he expressed was that he felt I forced his hand to be painfully and obviously cruel. I wish I could just say he was completely insane, but ... fuck

Seeing the words for the first time (now!) in black and white is weird.. I have a weird distance from that phrase. It was pivotal for me. It was when I realized that things were just going to be that bad if we stayed around together.. that "it could be worse" was already happening. One doesn't have to be dead or physically wounded to be considered "worse". It also made me realize my own culpability in situations like that. While he was different, it was phases of different relationships I have had with others in my head. My Tammy Wynette (sp?) impression of standing by my man was a non-verbal stamp of approval. Unlike the years before, I now.. at this time (well, it started in March) take responsibility for allowing it to become "ok".

My parents divorced involved my mother calling certain behavior unacceptable. He was also angry she was going back to school, as she was already (in his words) "smarter" than him. My version of what made a marriage (relationship) last was purely fictional, and mostly from fiction. If you don't make waves.. he won't leave.

When I was in eighth grade, Scott Dolan walked up to me after an economics class and straight out told me that guys don't like dumb girls. He was the "cute, cool guy". He was also held back a year. I just looked at him like a deer in headlights, and he repeated it. "You compete for test grades with (Tom McKiernan), but you play stupid whenever they ask you a question." He was right. I molded myself into what I thought boys liked. Cheerleader/red lipstick/hair flipping/giggling/gum snapping/etc .. what 12 year old girls thought men (guys she admired and saw out of reach.. oi the psychoanalysis that could go into that statement - 12 and thinking of what men vs boys want.. shiver)

Thanks YM, Teen, and Seventeen magazine! I am old enough that smart, sexy librarian types (aka Lisa Loeb) were idolized. The idea that smart girls aren't attractive, and girls who are occasionally smarter than a guy.. oi.. that made for a life of future spinsterhood. If I knew when the Magna Carta was signed, I better start getting over my cat allergy. An interesting note, Scott is not on Facebook, his brother is. I repeated the story in much less detail, and asked him to pass on to his brother and if he would be kind enough to let him know that a few words to me inbetween sixth and seventh period had SUCH an impact.

So that's all great.. yay stuff expressed.. what the hell am I going to do with it?

(Remember, no backspacing! Backspacing is just another way of editing! Oddly this line was added with the edit link)

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